When things are going well, it’s easy to wait on the other shoe to drop. “See, I knew I wasn’t doing enough,” I expect to say some day in the future when it all falls apart. I don’t have what it takes. I’m a fraud.
When things are going poorly, it’s easy to ride the wave ride into a deep, dark pit. “I knew I was a piece of sh**,” I tell myself. I was never going to be good enough and this just proves it. I’m not worthy.
We all have inner voices.
The more abundance I have in my life, the more I battle the first version. I struggle to understand whether I deserve it. Any of it.
The more despair I have in my life, the more I battle the latter version. I struggle to know whether I ever had anything worthwhile to share with the world to begin with.
This… essay? poem? post? … is for you, no matter which version you’re feeling right now.
Am I Enough?
Am I enough for my family?
I love my wife.
We’re having our first child.
Our home is beautiful and welcoming
The two pups at home live good lives with exercise and toys.
We are comfortable and fortunate.
Am I walking the dogs far enough?
Do I do enough chores around the house?
Do I communicate my love and admiration through my actions and words?
Do I make my wife proud? My parents? My extended family?
Does my wife already see the fraud I know everyone else will eventually know me to be?
Am I loved?
Am I enough?
Am I enough for God?
We go to church each week that we can.
We give of our time and money as we are able.
We try to love others unconditionally.
We spread faith, hope, love, joy, and peace however we can.
Are we doing it right?
Do I trick myself into believing I live better than I really do?
Am I as generous as I truly can be?
Will I go to heaven?
Am I enough?
Am I enough for my team?
Revenue is growing.
We’re hiring new people.
The team is happy.
We have tens of thousands of customers.
Our processes are working.
Others are starting to notice.
It all seems to be working.
Can it be this simple?
When will the other shoe drop?
Have I really done anything to change the trajectory of the company?
Wouldn’t this success have happened whether I was here or not?
What do I even do all day?
How does my work move the company forward?
Am I a fraud?
Am I valuable enough?
Do I deserve this job?
Am I enough?
Am I enough for my friends
Our friends are the best.
They are local and national and international.
They are there for us; we are there for them.
We have barbecues, pool parties, and camping trips.
We travel together.
We celebrate and cry and sit together.
We have deep conversations.
Will they turn their backs if I ever really need them?
Do they talk about me behind my back?
Do they really care care about me?
Do I belong?
Am I enough?
Am I doing enough to be healthy?
We eat well.
We sleep comfortably.
We have health care providers who know us and care for us deeply.
We are warm when we want to be warm and cool when we want to be cool.
We are physically able to move, play, and exercise.
Am I fit?
Am I eating well enough?
Will I get to live a long life?
When will my health fail me?
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I safe?
Am I ok?
Am I enough?
Am I doing enough to be financially secure?
We make good money.
We can give, save, invest, and spend.
We are fortunate.
We can take care of our physical and mental health.
We can travel and adventure well.
Our children will live in abundance.
Am I worthy of this?
Will I waste it all?
When will it all disappear?
Will we ever be financially independent?
Do we have enough?
Am I enough?
Am I enough?
Am I doing enough to solve for all of the pain in the world?
Am I a good person?
Am I enough?
Could I ever really be enough?
Yes. I can. Because I already am. And so are you.
That voice in your head is there to make sure you keep striving, keep pushing, keep seeking.
But you’re already enough. You are loved. You are safe. You belong.
You don’t have to change a single thing.
You matter just the way you are.
Featured Image by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash