This week, I talk with Dr. Emily Anhalt—a clinical psychologist, founder, and writer who’s spent the past 15 years exploring what it really means to be emotionally healthy. You might know her from her TED Talk or her work at Coa, but in this conversation, we go deeper. We talk about growing up in Silicon Valley, the pressure of being a high-achieving kid, and why so many successful people still carry unresolved grief. Emily shares how ADHD shaped her early life, what led her to leave pre-med for psychology, and how emotional patterns from childhood often resurface in our work and relationships. We also dive into what actually makes therapy effective and why hitting your goals doesn’t always bring peace. If you’ve ever built something meaningful but still felt unsettled, or questioned what’s really driving your ambition, I think this episode will speak to you. Let’s get to it.
In this episode:
- (00:00) – Intro
- (02:52) – How a beanbag chair and snacks helped Emily unlock her best work
- (08:01) – Growing up inside the Silicon Valley success machine
- (09:45) – Why high performers need a different kind of therapy
- (11:53) – The story of Emily’s parents and how they ended up in the Valley
- (13:54) – Reframing ADHD as a strength, not a stigma
- (16:33) – The early experiences that shaped Emily’s emotional lens
- (23:40) – How Emily chose psychology—and what kept her going
- (28:40) – The moment therapy stopped being about symptoms
- (33:06) – Why grief is a necessary companion to growth
- (38:21) – The origin story of a company built around emotional fitness
- (42:30) – What changes when you go from therapist to founder
- (45:27) – The qualities of high-integrity therapy
- (51:26) – How Emily knew it was time to write a book
- (58:20) – What really keeps entrepreneurs stuck—and how to get unstuck
- (01:02:09) – What it feels like when success leaves you empty
- (01:05:32) – How to rebuild when your goals stop making sense
- (01:07:44) – Why achieving meaning isn’t the same as feeling it
- (01:11:06) – Why therapy often gets harder before it gets better
- (01:12:47) – Abandoning hard feelings before healing happens
- (01:13:40) – The isolation of success—and how to find support
- (01:21:17) – How overachievers get trapped in burnout
- (01:29:26) – Healthy ways to process anger
- (01:33:46) – What makes Emily world-class?
- (01:34:09) – Emily’s most beautiful future
- (01:34:49) – Who Emily is becoming
Key Takeaways
- Design your work to fit your brain, not the other way around. Emily learned early—through ADHD, a beanbag in the back of class, and lots of self-experiments—that she could focus far better when she intentionally shaped her environment (comfort, snacks, nervous-system regulation) to how her mind works. Audit when/where you actually focus, then engineer for that.
- Judge therapy by the quality of the relationship, not by how “good” you feel after each session. Great therapy often hurts in the moment. Emily offers a practical litmus test—can you tell your therapist you’re mad at them (or disappointed) and have them meet you there without defensiveness, so you can work through it together? If the answer is yes, you’re probably in the right room.
- Real change is slow, nonlinear, and grief-filled. Therapy is like piano lessons—for years it can feel like nothing’s happening, and then you realize your whole life is different. Allow yourself to grieve what wasn’t (or what no longer serves you); that grief creates space for healthier patterns to take root.
- “Making it” won’t fix your psychology—and success can actually amplify your issues. Emotional health doesn’t automatically arrive with revenue, status, or followers; everything going on inside you shows up at work anyway. Who you are anywhere is who you are everywhere—so do the inner work in parallel with the outer wins.
- If you’re plateaued, ask “What would succeeding threaten about my identity?” Many founders are as afraid of success as they are of failure—because breaking through means letting go of the underdog story, or risking a higher fall if it doesn’t last. Surface the story you’re protecting, grieve it, and then choose the narrative that actually serves where you’re going.
Quotes
“One of the interesting things about therapy is that as you start to heal, you have a lot of grieving to do. There really is a lot of grief you have to tolerate if you want to grow.” ~ Emily Anhalt
“Adults that figured out how to accommodate their learning and work environment to how their brain works, instead of the other way around, are more successful.” ~ Emily Anhalt
“Psychology is just the study of relationships, and the whole world is spoken in the language of relationships.” ~ Emily Anhalt
“Most people don’t go to therapy because they don’t know what to do. Most people go to therapy because they do know what to do but need help understanding why they’re not doing it.” ~ Emily Anhalt
“We are as scared (or more scared) of success as we are of failure. Succeeding can actually be really terrifying and shift a lot about your life and about your sense of self.” ~ Emily Anhalt
Links
- Clubhouse: https://www.clubhouse.com/
- Steve Jobs: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steve_Jobs
- Steve Wozniak: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steve_Wozniak
- Bill Gates: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Gates
- Jane Thayer: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jane-thayer-8433ba42/
- Richard Mann: https://lsa.umich.edu/psych/news-events/all-news/faculty-news/faculty-memorial—richard–dick–mann–1933-2023-.html
- Harvard: https://www.harvard.edu/
- University of Michigan: https://umich.edu/
- Wright Institute: https://www.wi.edu/
- Emily’s TED Talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/emily_anhalt_why_we_should_all_try_therapy
- Emily’s book, Flex Your Feelings: https://www.dremilyanhalt.com/book
- The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Willer: https://www.amazon.com/Wild-Edge-Sorrow-Rituals-Renewal/dp/1583949763
- IFS: https://ifs-institute.com/
- Coa: https://www.joincoa.com/
- Alexa Meyer: https://x.com/alexakmeyer
- Equinox: https://www.equinox.com/
- One Medical: https://www.onemedical.com/
- Salesforce: https://www.salesforce.com/
- Kevin Love: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kevin_Love
- Prof G: https://profgmedia.com/
- Woody Allen: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woody_Allen
- The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson: https://markmanson.net/books/subtle-art
- Kit: https://kit.com/
- Jim Carrey: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Carrey
- Alex Lieberman: https://x.com/businessbarista
- Morning Brew: https://www.morningbrew.com/
- Ring theory: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_(psychology)
- Michael Dearing: https://x.com/mcgd
- LeBron James: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LeBron_James
- Tony Gonzalez: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony_Gonzalez
- Derek Jeter: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derek_Jeter
- Abby Wambach: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abby_Wambach
- Tom Brady: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Brady
Connect with Emily
- Website: https://www.dremilyanhalt.com/
- X / Twitter: https://x.com/dremilyanhalt
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dremilyanhalt
- LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dremilyanhalt/
Connect with Barrett
- Barrett’s newsletter: https://BarrettBrooks.com
- X / Twitter: https://twitter.com/barrettabrooks
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/barrettabrooks
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